Lost college student

It's graduation day, finally. I wear my bright blue cap and gown proudly, I worked my tail off these past two years for this day. I was finally graduating Modesto junior college with an AA-T degree in communications, not bad. I was heading somewhere, or so I thought. I had no idea what I wanted to major in and even less of an idea of what I actually wanted as a career, *sigh.* I started panicking and found myself wishing that I was in kindergarten again which was the only time that "wanting to become a power ranger when I grow up" was acceptable. And that was that. No worries. No stress. With my AA-T degree, I was ready to attend a four year university. I had my roommates picked out as well as an apartment; I was ready to move in in a few months. As the days flew by and move in date became closer, I texted my rommate that I wanted out. Yup, I cancelled my dreams of finally moving out of my parents home because I didn't know which major I wanted to pursue and came to the conclusion that moving out would be a waste of time and major bucks. I wanted to move out just to move out and "live the fast life" at the time. But the more I thought, I was only damaging my future. I decided to take a semester off to relax and really think about which career I wanted to pursue- which career would actually pay off? I always heard of students with years of education under their belt left careerless and in debt, I wasn't going to take that chance or be that person. I did tons of research with spring semester right around the corner and still have no idea what I want to major in. Maybe I can open up my own business? Or make YouTube videos? Or write a bunch of novels? I don't know, but I do know that being unsure of which career you want to pursue is okay. It's a big decision and there are a lot of options. My best advice would be to do what you love, regardless of whether or not it'll pay off because if you genuinely love it, it most likely will. You will make the best of it. It's okay to be frightened or unsure, just don't let it get in the way of you living your life and realize that you're not alone.

Sincerely, lost college student

Boss

A last single teardrop squeezed out of her eyelid and rolled down onto her chin. She wiped the fat teardrop off with her index finger and decided it was time to take action. She was the author of her story; she was the one who was going to decide whether she was going to have an amazing life or a draining one. She decided to accept all of the bad things that had happened to her in the past, store them in a box, and look forward. The future looked brighter. And she realized that it was going to be brighter because she was going to make sure that it was. She slipped on her favorite pair of fuzzy pink slippers and pulled her blonde hair back. She put her favorite music on and danced until her feet hurt and her voice drifted away. Life is good, as a matter a fact, life is great. And she decided that she was going to be the boss of how she felt and how any of her days would go by from now on.

You live on

You're gone, but you live in me. You live in all of our insiders, love sessions, and fights. You live in all of your favorite stores, books, and foods. You live in the music I listen too and in the stars that I count, in the fragrances that I come across.You live in my memories, in all of the moments we've had together, in photos and videos. You live in the person that I've become today. You're everywhere that I look, even when I try to forget about you. When I close my eyes, you live in my dreams. And when I cry, you live in my teardrops. But most importantly, you've never stopped living in my heart. With every single heartbeat of mine, you live on.

Glow

My fingers laced with hers and I'd never felt so complete in my entire life. Suddenly, the empty feeling that had been present in my chest for so long dispersed. I felt whole. We were the perfect fit. Our fingers fit perfectly, they were made for one another. I squeezed her soft hand a little tighter, yet gently. She didn't seem to mind at all, she gave mine a gentle squeeze back. The sand beneath me felt nonexistent at the moment; I felt like I was floating in space. And even though butterflies were present in my stomach, I had never felt so at ease, so comfortable. Things had never felt so right. I snuck a glance at her, she was glaring out onto the ocean, her face looked peaceful and content. I continued sneaking glances at her, she was even more beautiful than the beach itself. As a matter of fact, she was more beautiful than anything I'd ever laid my eyes on. I couldn't quite pinpoint why or how, but she just had this glow about her, in her own little perfect way, and I wouldn't change a thing. 

The escape

He shut the door behind him as hard as he could, with all of the strength in his body, it was about time. After all these years, he finally listened to his heart; he was tired. He'd had enough. He felt his feet lifting and landing, his legs moving forward like they had minds of their own, like they were thanking him for allowing them to let loose, to escape. The dark, full clouds above him released rain, all at once, hard and rapid, as though they felt his pain. His sorrow. He felt the raindrops pouring down on him, his pants getting heavier and heavier, but his legs still moving as fast as lightning.Thunder followed. He closed his eyes and released the teardrops that he'd held in for so long, he felt as though his teardrops overpowered the amount of rain that was pouring up above him. He felt as though he was going to drown in his own tears. He didn't know where he was going, but he knew that anywhere would be better than where he had just escaped from, anywhere. Suddenly, he was angry. Angry. Tired. Upset. His legs finally gave up on him, he dropped to his knees and lay his forehead on the hard, wet cement floor. He was breathing rapidly, trying to catch up with his breath. Suddenly, he looked up, tears still pouring down from his face, mixing in with the rain. 

"GOD, answer me. Answer me if you're up there God. Why me. You put me into this shit, now get me out of it," he bellowed, "Please just get me out of it."

Amir didn't like feeling sorry for himself. He located a sturdy tree and lay his back against it, a good resting place until he found somewhere warm to sleep. He was used to long, cold nights. And he felt safe. He knew he'd made it far enough to where they couldn't catch him. 

He felt his eyes shutting, slowly, and didn't know whether he wanted them to ever open again or not. 

Make up for dry skin

So, you're at a party, feeling confident while greeting everyone, and decide you want to go to the bathroom to check up on how your make up is doing. You look into the mirror and find someone staring you, someone with dry, chalky patches on her face. And you freak out. How could my make up look so dry?! You wonder. You spent a notorious amount of time priming, moisturizing, AND exfoliating, yet your skin is still dry and patchy. WHY? 

I've had this problem for years. Ever since I started wearing foundation. I struggled with dry, dry skin that would leave every foundation that I applied looking chalky, patchy, and cracked. I would always feel devastated, blame the foundation, and switch to a different one...until I realized that, rather than complaining, it was time to take action to solve my problem. Here are some steps that you can take to achieve a beautiful, dewy finish despite the fact that you have dry skin.

1. DRINK A LOT OF WATER 

I know you hear this ALL of the time, but it's just so true. You can't expect your skin to look fresh and hydrating if you're not sufficiently hydrated on the inside. Your body is made up of an estimated 70-80% of water, so it is crucial for healthy, radiant skin. What you put into your body definitely reflects your overall appearance.

2. EXFOLIATE 

Exfoliate. Exfoliate. Exfoliate. Once a week. This literally changed my life. When you exfoliate, you're getting rid of old skin skills and imperfections while allowing fresh skin cells to resurface on your body. Overtime, this habit will even your skin tone out and erase acne scars, hyperpigmentation, etc. it will also give you a smoother look, getting rid of the dry, patchiness appearance.

3. MOISTURIZE

Moisturizing is an essential step when it comes to achieving a dewy, radiant look. Keep your new skin cells moist and hydrated. Moisturize every morning before applying your foundation as well as every night before going to sleep. I use the Sephora intensifying moisturizer and its done wonders for my skin. 

4. Use a setting spray before and after applying foundation.

My make up routine consists of waking up and washing my face with my cetaphil facewash and then applying a generous amount of moisturizer on. I wait around for a while, allowing my moisturizer to dry and set on my skin before spraying on my make up forever, mist and fix,spray on. Allow the spray to dry before applying a DEWY foundation on. Make sure your foundation isn't matte. This is a MUST. Make sure your foundation is a cream based foundation like the new Forever HD foundation stick- works wonders for me! It's like magic. Once you apply your foundation, use some of your spray on again and allow it to dry before applying powder (optional) or anything else such as mascara, blush etc.

I promise promise that your skin will look fresh, dewy, and clean if you follow these steps. You won't deal with the dry, patchiness look again.

The mist and fix spray is a setting spray that moisturizer your face intensely. You can even feel it hydrating your skin as soon as you spray it on- it smells great too, which is a plus. 

TIPS: 

Be extremely cautious when applying powder if your skin is dry because powder, especially if it's matte, dries your skin out even more and gives it that chalky, cracked look.

Sprinkle a little translucent powder on top of your foundation if you want to set it or dust a little on! 

Have fun dolls- hope this helps! 

Am I pink or yellow undertone?

As if finding the right shade of foundation isn't already tough on ladies, they also have to decide whether they are a pink undertone or a yellow undertone. *yikes* I personally feel like every woman should ignore this whole "pink/yellow" undertone frenzy that's been going on for as long as I can remember and should much rather just focus on their skin, what they're looking for, and what makes them happy.

I speak from personal experience and after wearing foundation for SIX years and being unhappy about the several thousands of shades that I tried *exaggerating* I FINALLY found the perfect shade for me- in my opinion- that most "make up experts* would disagree with. For the longest time, ever since I started experimenting with foundation , I was told that I had a "yellow undertone." I listened to what I was told because obviously, they're "experts" and know better than me- a rookie. I went through a bunch of different foundation brands, from laura mercier, Clinique, Chanel, Kat Von D, tarte BB cream, sephora photo ready BB cream, etc ONLY to be left disappointed over and over and over again. I'd leave my house feeling like my foundation, that was supposed to "perfectly" match my skin, was either WAY TOO DARK OR YELLOW. I felt like a mud faced chick who looked really sick. Finally, I went into sephora and complained about all of the foundations that I'd ever worn and asked the beauty expert for samples of foundations with pink undertones. They told me that yellow would look better, but I insisted and walked out of the store with a bunch of samples. I tried the pink undertone shades on and FELL IN LOVE. It was love at first sight. My skin looked radiant and bright, it was glowing AND matched my neck perfectly. I no longer looked like a clay face. And every time I went out, I got tons and tons of compliments from friends, family members, and even strangers. "What's your skin care regime" they'd ask, and I'd reply with "try BOTH PINK AND YELLOW UNDERTONE foundations" ha- not really, but you get it. Everyone is different, there's no beauty expert in the world who knows your skin better than you- so don't settle until you're perfectly happy because honestly, this whole yellow/pink undertone thing doesn't make sense. Bobbi Brown claims EVERYONE is a yellow undertone *nope* and MAC has this weird way of differentiating the two...don't get me started. Have fun shopping! Kudos. May you shine as bright as you are.

Different

There was something different about her..she wasn't as lively, as full of joy as she'd always been. She wasn't as loud, as cheerful. She didn't swoon everyone like she used to. Her smile was almost nonexistent, half and forced. Her eyes were puffy and distant, they had no life in them. Her head hung low. I missed her. The old her. I missed the loud, happy, carefree her and it made me sad. It actually broke my heart because she was the one person who I never ever wanted to see change. Her smile had the ability of lighting an entire room up and her laugh made your heart sing and fill up with joy. Her eyes were full of life, full of mysteries and her lips were always curved upward. She always had this ryhtm to her- this positivity and no one could deny it. She was someone that everyone renembered- that everyone loved, but did she love herself? Or maybe, perhaps, she let a silly thief break her heart and suck the life out of her? Maybe she forgot to love herself because of a few flaws? Maybe she lost herself whilst loving someone else? No matter the case, I want her back. I miss her. I want her smile back. My soul aches to hear her laugh, to see her dance. There is something different about her, a little too different.

Ponder

We often times ponder over the things that don't really matter in life. Such as what tomorrow is going to hold or how much money you're going to be making or what people think about you. In all honesty, sure, some of these thoughts may hold some value, but only minor. In reality, tomorrow is nonexistent when you're living in the moment; today is all you have. How much money you make and how many people are in your favor should be the least of your worries because to the people who really and truly love you, they are. To the people who really love you, deeply, their main concern is your happiness and your health. And that should be your main concern as well. Thrive to be happy. Thrive to be healthy. And the rest will slowly fall into place. Do what you love because doing what you love will bring you all kinds of joy that you maybe perceived as nonexistent. Enjoy the smaller things in life and don't sweat to much over what is not in your control at the moment. Love deeply for there is no greater reward in this life than loving deeply. Whole heartedly. Love everything you do. And you will feel the love, the joy in your heart and soul. Create inner peace and live as though it's a treasure because it truly is and despite your hardships- you're blessed. We're all blessed. Remember this when you're feeling blue. Remember this when you're losing hope. Look into your heart and ask yourself what truly matters on this earth- only you can decide. 

Dishearten

You know, when you're growing up and your heart is full of love, full of innocence. You run through life, full of joy and laughter until you "grow up" and reality hits you, causing you to dishearten little by little. You start to experience the cruelties that life has to offer; you start to face reality. Nothing feels sturdy anymore; you question everything you've ever been taught and dig and dig and dig in hopes of revealing, discovering who you truly are and what your purpose on earth is. Why do I exist? You start to wonder and are left absolutely clueless. The people which meant the most to you betray and abandon you, leaving you helpless with no answers. With them, they take a piece of your heart. Soon enough, you are left heartless and cold. Those the closest to you tell you that you're not going to succeed, that you're going to be a failure, and you start believing it. Nothing feels or looks in place, organized. Everything is out of place and you're left hanging, not knowing what to do, just alone with your thoughts and your reality. 

Making memories

She sat in her rocking chair, her eyes full of light and joy. They smiled at you without her lips even making the slightest of a move. She rocked back and forth, slowly and steadily. "I remember it all," she said as she folded her wrinkly hands around her mug of tea. "I remember everything, every little detail, every moment that has passed. It's funny because whenever I look at someone, they glare at me empathetically and I bet you, I bet you that they're thinking 'look at this poor, old helpless woman'" she laughed as she grasped her mug even tighter, enjoying the feel of the warmth against her dry palms. "Ah, I may be an old, helpless woman, but I am one full of vivid, joyous, and loud memories. I too, was once a toddler. I too, snuck out of high school and drank alcohol when it was forbidden. I too, made and lost friends. I too, drank coffee every morning. And I too, fell in love. He was drop dead gorgeous. His smile made my heart feel as though it was its own person with its own brain," she paused, her lips curving upwards into a smile, complimenting her eyes even further. "He fell in love with me too, I never knew the day would come. We got married shortly after and he told me that he knew I'd be his wife the day he laid his eyes on me," she gushed and planted her feet firmly on the floor so the chair would stop rocking. "We did everything together. I remember our first Halloween, it was a disaster. We got lost whilst trick or treating. And I remember making him a cake once for his birthday with peanut butter, only to realize that he was allergic, God, his entire face was puffed up," she laughed. "We traveled to Istanbul, Paris, India, Hawaii, and so much more. We had our first child," her eyes suddenly lost their optimistic glare as they became sad and glossy, she set her cup of tea down. " I also remember him being diagnosed with prostate cancer, it was the worst day of my life, but I promised myself that I'd be strong for him and I was convinced that he'd survive. He got weaker and weaker with each passing day. He lost all of his hair, his bouncy brown curls that I loved so much. He became bone thin, but I still loved him and I still had hopes of him surviving. Finally, after a year and a half of treatment, the doctors said that he was cancer free. We celebrated, a big celebration, with all of our family and friends! I was so happy; I wanted to invite everyone and anyone. About a year passed by, when my husband was diagnosed once more with recurrence cancer, the monser had returned..only taking him away from me this time. I cried and cried until I was cried out. I didn't eat nor sleep, I felt as though I had died along with him, as though my soul had been snatched away, leaving my corpse behind. I didn't want to live. I became depressed, severely, until one day, I decided to change. He had visited me in my dream, telling me not to mourn over him, and that he was still with me," she paused and wiped a tear off of her cheek. "He told me to be happy. And so I decided that I would and that I am the only person responsible for my happiness, it was a choice. I slowly rebuilt myself and experienced life day by day. I witnessed my children fall in love and have my grandkids. I engaged in tons of volunteer work and helped create a non profit organization for cancer patients. I went to school and earned my masters in psychology. I lived every single day until all of my hairs became white and until my body was drained of energy. Life passes by in the blink of an eye, the good and the bad, before you even know it and the next day, you become 'the old helpless woman' that everyone feels sorry for. It makes me laugh because people are so naive and think that they're invincible just because of their youth. It makes me laugh because I was once the very same way. And most importantly, it makes me laugh because they're right. Life is wonderful, mysterious, and very short. I have become an 'old, helpless woman' and I am oh so grateful to have made it this far. I am grateful and proud to say that I have lived my life to the fullest and that I am not scared to leave this earth behind to the next generation whom I hope lives it to the fullest as well. This life is truly a blessing to everyone and I genuinely hope that everyone gets to experience becoming old because that's when everything really stands out to you, all of the moments and memories that you've created, you remember it all. It's crazy. And you cherish them like never before. If I was asked if I could change anything in my life and what would it be, I'd say nothing...and I hope that one day, you feel the same way while looking back at the life in which you created. 

Success

Success is a pretty heavy word that often crosses all of our minds and rolls out of all of our tongues. I know that I think of the word success all of the time and how I'm gonna reach it and what I need to do to reach it. I often ask myself what I need to do to become successful and most importantly, what exactly is "success" to me. The word "success" is so heavy because it has a different meaning to everyone and everyone has to take different paths to reach their definition of success. Keep this in mind whenever you're on your way toward your definition of success, whatever it may be. Never make the mistake of comparing your success to somebody else's because it's toxic and can hold you back from reaching your fullest potential. Be your own person and understand that everyone has their own path, their own journey. Pump envy and hatred out of your heart, blood, and veins. When you're really at peace with yourself and really understand what "success" means to you, then you'll reach it, at your own pace. Going at your own flow and not comparing yourself to others will ultimately get you where you want to be, it's the recipe to success. Rather than constantly comparing yourself to others and bringing others down, work on yourself every single day. Take a step toward your definition of success every single day. Become a better person than the person whom you were yesterday. And while you're on your journey to success, cherish all of the memories in which you've created and celebrate the person that you've become. Forgive yourself and others for mistakes that all human beings make. Enjoy life while you're on your journey and keep a light and positive heart. You will succeed.

Maybe

Maybe, just maybe, I was made for you and maybe you were made for me. We were made for eachother, you and I. I know for sure that you tumbling into my life and into my heart wasn't just by chance- everything felt so right and flowed so beautifully and smoothly- something I've never experienced before. Something that I only knew to exist in books and movies and poems. I fell in love with you the minute I first laid my eyes on you, the minute you made my heart skip a beat and made me feel invincible. I fell in love with you the moment YOU made time freeze and made ME feel superior. The way you laughed was music to my ears, the way you'd arch your neck back when you'd tell a joke and the way your eyes would shine with passion when you'd tell a story. I fell in love with your touch, with your kiss, and most importantly your presence. I fell in love with you. And I felt as though I'd known you all of my life. I felt as though the emptiness that I'd been searching for for so many years got filled up by your being. I didn't feel empty anymore. I felt whole and I thought that maybe, I was waiting for you all along. Maybe my heart knew your heart long before our bodies physically met and maybe, just maybe, you were made for me, and I for you. 

Earthquake

You know when you're just living your life and everything seems to be going at a normal pace until an earthquake occurs and shakes you right off of your feet? Suddenly, your blinded and have no idea where your life is heading; you're scared and clueless. Your perfectly envisioned life isn't so perfect anymore, but spontaneous and random, you never know what can occur next. This earthquake appeared out of nowhere and changed your life, day by day. This earthquake changed your dreams and helped you become more selfless and taught you how to love and open up your heart a little bit more. This earthquake made you realize that there's something bigger out there than yourself. This earthquake is a person whom you love, a person who shook your world and filled your heart with everlasting love. This person changed your world forever and swept you off of your feet. This earthquake was the most powerful of all earthquakes you've heard of and larger than any earthquake you've ever encountered. This earthquake shook your heart, forever. 

Cling

I want to dig my nails deep into your flesh and never let go. I want to have a grasp of you- forever. I want you to live in my heart until my hairs turn white and the corners of my eyes wrinkle. I want to wake up to your presence and fall asleep to your presence. I cling onto you so desperately, like a mad woman. I want to smell your skin and taste your smile. I want to feel the warmth of your skin against mine. I want to experience your happiness and your sadness- I want to be there through it all. I want you to want me back; I want you to cling to me. I want our hearts to intertwine; I want you to be a part of me and I want to be a part of you. My love was made for you; I was made to love you. I was made to taste you. I was made to cling onto you. I was made for you like the moon was made for the sun and the stars for the moon. I was made to know every inch of your body, even more than I know my own. I was made to carve a smile upon your lips and to cause a burst of laughter out of you. I will do anything it takes to love you until I literally can't any longer; I am yours and you are mine more than I am my own. 

What's the good in smiling when your heart consistently weeps? 

Numb

At one point, nothing disappoints you anymore. You've become numb to it, you've seen it all. You've seen the worst of the worst, lovers cheating and lying, friends backstabbing each other, people committing suicide because of the filth that this world is full of. So many judgements, stereotypes, racism, and hatred. You've seen people drink their sorrows away and you've seen people smoke to forget. You've seen bloodshed, abuse, and darkness. You've seen the devil himself, disguised as certain individuals. Nothing matters. You know it all. You've seen it all and all you can do is to survive through it all, like all of us. All you can do is live day by day, try to make something of yourself, before your death bed ultimately greets you. Sometimes, the beginning is the end and the end is the beginning. You know it all. You've seen it. And you're numb. You're a survivor, just like everyone else. And everyone else has a story, just like you so try and spread love despite the nastiness and filth that this world has in it. Spread the love despite your teary eyes and wretched heart. Because if you spread the love, then the next person will and one by one, we can prove that the world maybe isn't as filthy as it seems. And together, we can help the numbness disperse into joy and a bit of brightness. 

Home

Home is where the heart is, they say. 

But I don't understand anything because I can't quite locate where my heart is. Ever since I've been growing up, my heart has been grappled and toyed with. Whispers have gone through my ears, trying to differentiate right from wrong to me, trying to define everything for me. I feel like my heart has been stepped on many times, and not just in a romantic manner, but as to where it is, as to where home is. What is home? For a while, I believed everything that I was told, but nothing makes sense anymore. Everything seems strange and unfamiliar. An emptiness lurks within me, something is missing and I must find it. I must find what home is to me and where my heart is. This roof over my head doesn't quite feel like home, even though I am comfortable and love everyone, but then again; what does home feel like? What is home? I want to detach myself from everything I've ever been told; I want to experience and start piecing the puzzle on my own. I want to find out where my heart is and what exactly, where exactly home is. I need to know. I must know. I won't give up until I do know.