Numb

At one point, nothing disappoints you anymore. You've become numb to it, you've seen it all. You've seen the worst of the worst, lovers cheating and lying, friends backstabbing each other, people committing suicide because of the filth that this world is full of. So many judgements, stereotypes, racism, and hatred. You've seen people drink their sorrows away and you've seen people smoke to forget. You've seen bloodshed, abuse, and darkness. You've seen the devil himself, disguised as certain individuals. Nothing matters. You know it all. You've seen it all and all you can do is to survive through it all, like all of us. All you can do is live day by day, try to make something of yourself, before your death bed ultimately greets you. Sometimes, the beginning is the end and the end is the beginning. You know it all. You've seen it. And you're numb. You're a survivor, just like everyone else. And everyone else has a story, just like you so try and spread love despite the nastiness and filth that this world has in it. Spread the love despite your teary eyes and wretched heart. Because if you spread the love, then the next person will and one by one, we can prove that the world maybe isn't as filthy as it seems. And together, we can help the numbness disperse into joy and a bit of brightness. 

Home

Home is where the heart is, they say. 

But I don't understand anything because I can't quite locate where my heart is. Ever since I've been growing up, my heart has been grappled and toyed with. Whispers have gone through my ears, trying to differentiate right from wrong to me, trying to define everything for me. I feel like my heart has been stepped on many times, and not just in a romantic manner, but as to where it is, as to where home is. What is home? For a while, I believed everything that I was told, but nothing makes sense anymore. Everything seems strange and unfamiliar. An emptiness lurks within me, something is missing and I must find it. I must find what home is to me and where my heart is. This roof over my head doesn't quite feel like home, even though I am comfortable and love everyone, but then again; what does home feel like? What is home? I want to detach myself from everything I've ever been told; I want to experience and start piecing the puzzle on my own. I want to find out where my heart is and what exactly, where exactly home is. I need to know. I must know. I won't give up until I do know. 

Dissolving smoke

At once, you entered my life like an earthquake. Never before had my world shaken so vigorously regarding someone elses presence. I felt the thunder in my heart; I enhaled you in slowly, but fell for you so suddenly. Never before had I cared so truly for one person until you stepped foot into my little world. You managed to sweep me off of my feet like a rose, petal by petal. With each passing day, my heart grew fond of you. My eyes were constantly seeking your presence and yours only. Never before had I felt this energizing effect, it paralyzed me to my bones. I didn't know what to do, it was too much. You entered my world so slow yet so fast, but you left even faster like dissolving smoke-poof you were gone and left me with nothing but painful torturing memories that will remain engraved in my now cold heart until the day that I meet my grave. Your sudden withdraw only left me numb and remorseful. I felt you drifting away, but all I could do was watch you leave, watch you dissolve like smoke before you were gone for good.

I realize

I look around me and everything feels as though it's crumbling. The ground beneath my feet that I have stood on for so long doesn't feel as sturdy anymore, but shaky and unsafe. Faces that I trusted for so long turned their backs on me to reveal their true colors. I feel alone; me, myself, and I. I look around and see nothing but darkness. I have to make some big choices about things i've never even thought of before. The promised light at the end of every journey suddenly doesn't seem as bright and promising any longer, but gloomy and dim. I wish to follow my heart even though I can't understand whether or not it's whisperings are trustworthy. I want to take leaps, but I am scared of failure. I am afraid of taking the leap, but drowning in despair. I am frightened of morphing into something that I promised everyone, including myself, that i'd never become. The thought of not succeeding and ultimately proving everyone wrong terrifies me, deep down to my trembling core. My mind doesn't rest at night, it is simply flooded with thoughts, keeping my heavy eyes strained open. I hear the devils whispers in my ears and sometimes I want to believe him. Sometimes, I feel tempted to abandon all that i've ever known and all that I thrive to be, but I realize that i'm stronger. I realize that the gloomy light at the end of the tunnel does indeed shine brighter and that the more I grow as an individual, the more that I learn. I realize that every choice that I make will help shape me into the individual that i'm meant to be and show me who's really worthy of staying in my life. I realize that I am blessed that God put me through all of this bullshit so that I could find out what and who really matters. The world isn't such a dark place after all. I realize that not every painting starts beautifully, but transforms, with time and hard work, into a masterpiece. I realize that scars, bruises, and darkness allow us to appreciate the love, smiles, and gentleness. The world has to be harsh so that she can prepare us for the darkness that we're meant to face down the road, so I thank her for allowing me to open my eyes and to realize that things aren't so bad, after all. 

Bleeding heart

I feel the pain, deep down within my bones. My chest feels numb, my thoughts unclear. A fog has formed in my brain, paralyzing my ability to think straight. A dark shadow has settled comfortably underneath my skin and has made itself at home. I bite my lower lip, it exaperates at first until the pain is no more. I feel empty, my heart aching. The sound of your laughter echoes in my ears , louder and louder. I try so hard to mute it, but I can't. Everywhere I turn, you're present. My heart bleeds, a feel of emptiness forms within me with each passing day away from you. My body yearns your presence, it screams out for you. It needs you more than the dark nights need the moon and more than the earth needs the sun. My days are everlasting for sleep has escaped me. I stay up screaming at the stars for you, hoping that a shooting star will hear my wish and return you to me. Dreams of you haunt me, causing me to awaken, drenched in sweat. Though you're physically no longer, I am gone as much as you are; I am nothing but a walking corpse. With you, you dragged my soul along. You sucked the life out of me; slowly, yet painfully. And even though you didn't intend on leaving this cold world, I am angry at you. My heart continues to bleed; everyday, I suffer. Everyday, my body aches deep down to my bones. Everyday, my restless eyes search for you. Everyday, your laughter rings in my ears....everyday, a hole grows within me, deeper and deeper as I feel helpless and finally start accepting that you're no more, no matter how much I cry out for you.

Enjoy the ride

The world is so chaotic, always noisy and fast paced. As humans, we can't help but to get caught up in this fast paced lifestyle. We're constantly on our toes, rushed to get things done. Sometimes, we get so caught up to the point where we forget what truly matters. We're so focused on shaping our future to the point where we forget to live in the present, where we forget to cherish what we have at this very moment. Everything around you is a gift: your family, friends, house, and whatever you may acquire. It should be our goal as individuals to cherish today; cherish right now. Live in the moment because the future in which you are preparing for may never arrive. Take advantage of every oppurtunity that is thrown at you and leap into everything whole heartedly and passionately. Love the people around you because there is no promise that they're going to remain by your side forever, appreciate them and forgive often. Everything in life comes to an end and unfortunately, many of us realize this when we are grieving over a loved one or when something is taken away from us. We realize the worth of something or someone once it's gone. Close your eyes and think about all of the reasons that you have to be happy, think of all of the reasons about why you look forward to waking up the very next day. Make every moment and everyday count as much as you can. Spread love and positivity, nothing is ever promised and this very moment that you have will never come again. Life is nothing but a collage of passing moments and many people realize this once it's too late. You have the power of morphing your life the way that you want, make it count and don't let anyone stop you. Slow down and enjoy the ride rather than trying to rush through it. Life is not a race, but a gift and a blessing that passes as rapidly as the blink of an eye...

Her

When I first saw her, I didn't even notice her. She was just another ordinary girl. Plus, I was too caught up in my studies to worry about a girl. But then, something incredible happened. One random day, I noticed her dimpled smile, it lit the entire room up. It was magnetic, like christmas lights. I felt as though her smile put the sun to shame. Not only did her smile catch my attention, but the way her eyes twinkled as well. She was genuinely happy and it was contagious. Soon enough, I caught myself randomly smiling...at everything. The more time I spent with her, the more her smile added color to my once black and white life. But not only her smile, I was falling in love with her as a person. The way her hair fell so perfectly on her tiny shoulders. The way she giggled with her nose scrunched up. The way she drank her coffee. The way she wrote, her wrist moving a certain way. I caught myself falling in love, not with her, but her soul, her character; I caught myself falling in love with everything about her that you had to dig deep to see. She was magnetic. She was gentle. She became my mornings and my nights. She was present in all of my dreams. I craved her more and more with each passing day. My heart expanded as my love blossomed for her like roses during spring. I couldn't imagine a life without her; I let her in on my deepest and my darkest secrets. I was completely naked, I exposed all of my ugly sides to her as well as all of my weaknesses. I trusted her and soon enough, I realized that she was everything that I ever wanted and it scared me..

One cold morning, I woke up with a twisted feeling in my stomach. A knot. I felt uncomfortable. I stepped outside and glared at the gray, swollen clouds above me. They looked as though they were about to explode and cry. I felt even more sick. I rushed to her. I had to see her. I arrived at her house; her mother opened the door, her face expressionless. She looked like a still corpse, the life drained out of her.

I soon found out that the girl with the smile, the one who added color to my life,was no more. A car accident had taken her away from me. 

I dropped to the floor and cried out with so much pain that i've never felt before. And even though I got back up, My heart remained on that very floor I had dropped on. My search for that smile was endless and will remain endless for it is simply irreplaceable.